I threw a ballpine hammer at him. I felt good when it left my hand. My shoulder twitched at exactly the right moment and the hammer whirled. I was Krull and my ballpine boomerang would hit the fleeing intruder in the back of the knee or in the back of the skull, and he would fall against that sandpaper sidewalk spilling my DVD player, 7 DVD’s, a laptop, and a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey onto the street. Everyone would see how this teenage egg-stealing snake had fucked with the wrong man, and how my ballpine hammer of justice had brought him to his knees. They would envy my marksmanship and my taste for digitally restored classics. The ballpine hammer hit the chain link dog fence in Mrs. Cottonwood’s yard. The intruder scurried across the street, and never broke stride, never knew how close he came to death by flying ballpine hammer. Mrs. Cottonwood came out to investigate the clamor she heard against her dog fence. I told her what happened and she called the police for me and helped me prop up my screen door. I went through my VHS collection and I put in Gorillas in the Mist. Sigourney Weaver told me not to be scarred and she told me not to speak much when the police came, because my voice would tremble and they would think I was scarred and chuckle while they filled out their report in the patrol car. She told me not to mention the ballpine hammer. The policeman’s knock on the door came during the final scene where Sigourney is looking at old pictures, listening to a favorite record and smoking a cigarette. I made the policemen wait at the door until the silhouetted assassin brought the machete down and the camera cut to blood droplets on the old phonograph player. I opened the door and told them how the intruder had taken a DVD player, 19 DVD’s, a laptop, and a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey. I spoke clearly and my voice did not tremble. I didn’t mention the hammer.
